The father was/is an abuser. He’s a viscous narcissistic/sociopath (What narcissist isn’t vicious?). He goes into rages out of nowhere, for no clear reason. His rages and behaviours were never his fault, (In his mind) they were always our fault, my fault. The kind of abuse he inflicts, leaves no physical scars, but they sure do leave gaping wounds that don’t heal like a physical one does. At least not without a lot of work.
I’m sharing this, because I’ve always known that his treatment of me has been my biggest struggle, over and above all the other abusers in my life. His messages of “not good enough,” “always wrong,” “I’m a burden,” (etc.) have been what I’ve carried with me my whole life. His voice screams so loud in my mind that it buckles me if I think about it. It screams over and above everyone else’s as they follow his lead.
In therapy a couple of days ago, it did just that. It buckled me.
The therapist and I were talking about ways to contain him and his voice in my mind. At one point, she suggested that I picture turning down the volume of his voice. That thought alone, triggered me so fast and hard, that it surprised both “S” and I. She watched the transformation that I had no control over. She said everything about me changed/switched. The look on my face, there was a jump, I couldn’t breathe, I couldn’t talk, and tears were streaming down my face.
All stopped in that moment, so that she and I could get me grounded. It took awhile.
Once I was able to talk, she asked me what just took place. (In a sense she knew). She said it was a full-blown PTSD response. I had reverted back to a terrified little girl. What she was asking, was what about her suggestion of turning down the volume of his voice caused the reaction.
I wasn’t sure right away, and I had to think about it for a minute. That’s no easy task when in a triggered state, and still struggling to breathe and talk.
What happened was pure fear. We wouldn’t dare quiet the father if we wanted to survive. Not that he would kill us physically, but his wrath and his words sure killed us mentally,emotionally, spiritually and more.
“S” sent me home with a suggestion. I’m to try to find a way in my mind to contain the father, so that I can feel safe to work on things without him interfering in my mind. She just named some ideas so that I knew what she meant.
Idea’s like, picture him behind plexie glass, or on a hamster wheel, somewhere he couldn’t scream at me. My response to her (I’m being 100 % honest here) was this…I can picture him in a casket or in the ground. I’m sure I’m not the only survivor who’s felt this way. It’s the only way to feel safe. There may be a revenge component to it (I’m not sure.) My first thought is wanting to feel safe.
However…
It’s not the way I’m going to choose to picture him. I’ve been working on coming up with something. To my surprise, almost nothing feels safe. If I try to contain him in something (In my mind) All I can see is how it would set of his rage further and I can hear him scream even louder, and spew more venom at me.
The father is a much bigger problem in my life then I even knew. (For the record he’s not been physically in my life for close to 4 years now.) This is the carnage he’s left behind in my brain (Hiccup).
I was talking to my Hubby about this last night, telling him that I can’t think of any way to contain him, that feels safe for me.
Until…
I suddenly pictured my Hubby standing in front of me facing the father. The father I believe is intimidated by my Hubby, not because of anything Hubby has said or done, but because my Hubby is 6 ft 8′ and the father seems to know instinctively not to say anything to me in front of him, or he will have my Hubby to deal with. He would “act” on his best behaviour when he was around my Hubby. One can only act so much though, Hubby saw how badly he treats the mother and me.
I’ve found a safe way for me to quiet the father. Who knew?! I like that my Hubby gives me that sense of safety.
I hope that one day, the child in me will know that I’m safe, and I will no longer need to picture protection. I’ll just know I’m safe. For now, I’m grateful that I was finally able to find my way to some sense of safety,while I deal with the father and all the abuse of my past.
Do you have a safe place in your mind you go to?
There is hope!
