Yesterday and today, I’ve read back in my very first journal. I happened to find it when I was looking for something else yesterday.
It’s really interesting to have an inside view of the younger me, and how I thought and felt back then. This journal was started when I was around 13. I haven’t finished reading it yet but I will. (Then blog more on it)
I’ve read as far as when I was 18 years old. I found it very curious that I didn’t talk a lot about the father and his abuse. I did mention at times, that he was angry or in a bad mood. I mentioned that he wants me to share my life and not leave him out, but he twists everything I say into how he wants it to be, so I shut down.
I didn’t mention anything about the neighbourhood boy who tormented, molested and raped me. It seems as I read, all that was just par for the course back then for me. My norm. Not worth mentioning.
The biggest thought that hit me, is just how needy I was. I fell for a guy when I was 13 and it took me 14 years to get over him after we broke up. In between those times, I needed to have a boyfriend, and I seemed to feel lost when I didn’t. I often ended up with boyfriends that treated me badly even at my youngest. I was always trying to figure out a way of getting back with the one I fell for at 13.
I’m guessing this constant need for a boyfriend, was actually a constant need to feel loved, and needed because I didn’t at home. Although I didn’t write it in my journal, I know I felt it as I got older. Now, I realize I was and am a burden to the father. I got in the way. I took the narcissist away from his wife. Narcissists need to have all attention on them, 100% of the time or there’s hell to pay.
I believe if one doesn’t get the love and nurturing from their parents that they require as children, they will look for it elsewhere. When they find it, you can rest assured that it won’t be a healthy option. They/ I have never learned what healthy looked like.
They will choose things such as sex addiction, alcohol addiction, and eating disorders (I’m sure many others can be added) in an attempt to feel in control of something, and to have something that will be a constant companion, and not abandon them. I chose one of these but I’m not quite ready to go there yet. I’m sure you could guess.
On a positive note, I can look back and see how far I’ve come. I’m glad that I’m no longer in that place and I’m proud to say I survived.
For all those who have survived abuse of any kind, don’t forget you did survive, and that is a huge accomplishment. You have a will to live and live well. When you have that, there is always
Hope for a better tomorrow.
