When one is raised with a narcissistic parent like myself, and too many others, we are taught to compare. It’s not uncommon to hear the narcissistic parent (the father in my case) make comments like, “Why can’t you be more like…” or “You should dress like…”, “You should behave like…”, “They have class, you should hang around them…” This is a lot of pressure to put on a kid. Of course we come out with the message, that we’re not good enough and we’ll never be. This is abuse.
For me one of the most painful comments of the like that has stayed with me is, “Why can’t you be more like your sister?” My response back then to the father was, “I’m not her, and she hasn’t been through what I’ve been through.” I think, that actually shut the father up, but the damage was done further in me by this comment. He said it right in front of the sister.
Funny thing is, the sister was doing a lot of things she shouldn’t have done, the difference was, I didn’t hide what I was up to, I was honest, and she wasn’t. It wouldn’t have mattered though, if she didn’t hide her crap, she was favoured, so they wouldn’t have seen it as crap.
I digress…The result of the father constantly comparing all of us to others is, now I’m constantly comparing myself to others. It goes on 24/7 in my mind. It’s been there so long that it’s my norm. I don’t often even realize I’m doing it.
It plays over and over in my mind like a broken record. “This person has nice hair I wish I had..” “I wish I had their skin…” “I wish I was as thin as…” It goes on and on. In my mind I will never measure up to anyone else.
I believe this is a big part of why I have such a battle with body dysmorphic disorder (BDD). I look in the mirror and all I can see is an ugly, not good enough person.
The time of day I feel safest, is when I’m in bed at night with all the lights out and it’s completely dark. It’s the only time I can relax, because I know no one can see me. (Hubby included).
I know now, that all the father`s bashing is because he doesn’t feel good about himself, nor does he feel good enough, as a result, he has to rip everyone else down to make himself feel better. I believe what’s playing in his minds is the same as what he`s put in my mind. I’m not making excuses for him, we all have choices.
You know, I panic when I have to look in a mirror? I can’t see my whole face when I do, it really freaks me out. It’s like a monster is looking back at me.
My Hubby tells me I have a warped perception of what I look like. I wish I could see what he does. I see myself as chunky, while everyone else seems to say I’m thin. This is just one example of my apparently warped view of me.
I am determined to conquer this battle through therapy. It’s exhausting to live this way. I believe in this case, the grass is greener on the other side and I would like to dive into that green grass!
Do you have a battle with this? Do you feel good enough?
There is hope!
